Thursday, December 2, 2010

I Can Do This

No pretty pictures today. I'm going to share with you what really happened to me today. I cried. I've been pretty concious about the amount of times I've cried since I left home. Once when I was 30,000ft above Russia and another in my sleep. But today I cried for no apparent reason, in stark peak-hour daylight.

I was on my way to my first assignment. Highlighted Google Map route in one had and another trying to protect myself against -3 degree winds, I was already feeling quite demoralised and 'touristy'. I walked into what I believed to be my building when I was confronted by a nasty security guard who interrogated me for being in there. I tried to explain to him what I was looking for when he tore shreds off me in front of a cafe full of people and sent me back out of the door (wrong building).

I called him an arsehole as I walked away - classy, I know - and then I started to cry. This feeling of hopelessness and a lack of purpose washed over me and I just cried. I had no idea where it came from. Most security guards are nasty wannabe cops anyway, aren't they? So why did this one make me cry? At that moment, I felt completely lost.

That niggling voice that said my trip was defeating me was now roaring, and I asked myself 'why should I go on? Why should I even bother?'. But I did bother going to that assignment. I picked myself up and walked into the right building like I didn't have a doubt in the world. And throughout the day I told myself 'I could do this'.

I guess today's message is that you shouldn't surpress what you feel because it will only manifest in something else, like a nasty security guard. Moments when you cry over nothing are really a cry for attention from within. While this won't be the last time that I weep on my trip, I will make sure to deal with that voice that says 'I can't do this'.

Take care,

Ms Ivory

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